My friend is suffering. His head and heart are boiling with that sticky dread of self-hatred and hopelessness. He feels he is broken beyond repair. He thinks there is something deeply wrong with him. He's trying everything, as a sober alcoholic, to not feel. He doesn't believe me when I say I have been there,…
Recovery
What Does Courage Look Like?
Sometimes you fall flat on your face and discover that something is not at all what you thought it would be. Something you planned turned out to be greatly disappointing. And that's OK. I am nine days into my travels here in Thailand, and I haven't been this miserable in quite some time. Let me…
The Deepest Sobriety
There are these moments that come every so often where I fall on my knees in a sort of tender, tearful reverence to the fact that I am sober and free from the hell of alcoholism. Sometimes it comes from reading a novel that recaptures haunting tales of destructive boozing and the interminable suffering that…
Layers
the anger is thick, deep, it is like a crust, molded and beginning to stink, for so long it has festered, I’ve tended to it like a garden, conjuring thorns, weeds, a swarm of insects, I have seemed to like it– but it’s the emergence of grief that breaks through, the tenderness that cuts it,…
Eating Food Like a Person
I can't tell you how exhilarating it is to eat food, all food, however much or little I need, and get the fuck on with my life. Sounds simple, but it has been one of the most difficult processes I have ever gone through. It has taken years to undo the insane thinking that comes…
Open Mind/Heart
People would probably describe being "open-minded" as having the ability to accept many walks of life, judging less and loving more, being willing to have new experiences, listening. All of that is true. But there is an even deeper meaning to a truly open mind that in turn lends itself to being able to accept and…
Introversion: A Love Story
I know what you're thinking. Introverts are people who are incredibly shy and taciturn. They wear black lipstick. They never ever have fun at parties. They rarely assert themselves, and they have like, one friend. This is all stereotypical nonsense, of course. Some of it may be true for some introverts - I have certainly been shy and have…
A Full Life
One of my absolute favorite poems by one of my absolute favorite poets, Sharon Olds, has a section that goes a little something like this: "I could see her in a temple, tying someone up, or being tied up, or being made nothing, or making someone nothing, I saw she was full of cruelty and…
The Madness of Being Good
I'm having anxiety today. Some guilt. Waves of old feelings. And what whey all boil down to is this sense that I'm not doing it right. Whatever it is. Life? My day? My choices for the the next few months? It can get crazy in these heads of ours. Sometimes the more I meditate, the…
Last Men Standing: Shame and Fear
You get sober. Quit the booze and the pills or the meth and coke and pot or whatever it is that had its hooks in you. You get some time sober, and you start to feel better. You start to work the steps. You begin to build a concept of a Higher Power. Start to…
A Full Life 