The rooms of AA are filled with love addicts (including myself). They are also filled with sex addicts, food addicts, compulsive gamblers, hyper chain-smokers, spenders and debters, and exercise freaks. (Also including myself, at various times, minus the gambling). I was in a meeting last night that falls into the category of Friday night meeting…
Addiction
Grow Up
I've had a new moment of clarity, folks. That real recovery might be about growing up into a mature, balanced, healthy adult. I don't mean looking like an adult, with a suit and briefcase and big fancy job, or a brood of kids and busy appointment book. But one who is able to live moderately,…
Suffer On
My friend is suffering. His head and heart are boiling with that sticky dread of self-hatred and hopelessness. He feels he is broken beyond repair. He thinks there is something deeply wrong with him. He's trying everything, as a sober alcoholic, to not feel. He doesn't believe me when I say I have been there,…
The Deepest Sobriety
There are these moments that come every so often where I fall on my knees in a sort of tender, tearful reverence to the fact that I am sober and free from the hell of alcoholism. Sometimes it comes from reading a novel that recaptures haunting tales of destructive boozing and the interminable suffering that…
The Madness of Being Good
I'm having anxiety today. Some guilt. Waves of old feelings. And what whey all boil down to is this sense that I'm not doing it right. Whatever it is. Life? My day? My choices for the the next few months? It can get crazy in these heads of ours. Sometimes the more I meditate, the…
Alcoholism Pt. 4: Relapse, “Recovery,” Relapse.
Relapse is often a part of recovery. It doesn't have to be, but it often is. And it's not always a bad thing - sometimes it is necessary if one is to have quality sobriety. What's frightening is that some people don't make it back from a relapse. They die. I was lucky. I had…
Continue reading ➞ Alcoholism Pt. 4: Relapse, “Recovery,” Relapse.
Alcoholism Pt. 5: An Awakening
It took about 11 days to go through all of the prescriptions I stole from my mom, and she had plenty. Leftovers from surgeries and sicknesses - she never bothered to take more than a couple. Vicodin and Percocet and Ativan and codeine cough syrup. Delish. When those were gone, I was back with the…
Alcoholism Pt. 3: Moving Down South
It was like summer camp in a lot of ways. There I was, living in a house just minutes from the beach, surrounded by a bunch of young people who felt charged with a frenetic energy that can only come from rehab. Rehab can be a lot of fun. It really can. You sit around garages and…
Alcoholism Pt. 2: Numb
I'm 18. I've dropped out of college. I'm on Zoloft. I'm gaining weight. I'm stuffed to the brim with toxic shame and suffering. I don't yet know how to express anything or to ask for help, and I don't yet know how to accept that I am an alcoholic. Not a place I'd ever want…
Alcoholism Pt. 1: In the beginning…
When I turned fourteen, I started smoking a lot of pot. I loved getting high. It was like entering a new world where everything sounded better and smelled better and felt better. And food tasted so good. If I had a bag of weed on me, it was like security. It was a gateway to…
A Full Life 